I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”