🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.