My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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