i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.