Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao