Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.