[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Practicing safe sax
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot