have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“you changed” bro i was 15
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me