Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.