Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit