Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
☠️☠️☠️
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck