Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
You Might Also Like
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Time for evil
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.