[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.