when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Sooo many times…..
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.