*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
#oldknees
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*