I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Sharon, call the vet
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
(Musicians.)
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.