I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.