I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Nice try, NASA
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
When can I start eating bats again.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.