Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”