I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The glory of fall.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Important reminders
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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