#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’m aging like a fine banana
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
yeah 😭
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.