Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.