I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
welp
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet