“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]