Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny