God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Become ungovernable.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
quarantine day 3
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet