When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why