Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
What?
can you read it!!??
maan!
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.