Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM