Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife