I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
so this horse walks into a bar
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies