I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me trying to walk in a dream
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.