Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
When you’re here for the treats.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
What the hell is going on?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle