You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’m having an out of money experience.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …