Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable