Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.