The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
wtf management?!
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
🤣🤣💀
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”