I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.