My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.