Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?