We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”