A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
The Compass
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what