If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.