I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.