[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sooo many times…..
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell