if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When he asks for feet pics
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
and now we wait
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”