I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
lost dog
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary