Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.