I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?