what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
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Natty or not?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Venn
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now